can't sleep..

I sit and wonder... how some things happen for a reason..
how people are always somehow in one way or another interlinked.
If i had never fucked my O levels up.. i wouldn't have landed in CJ. I wouldn't have met the ah lian gang.. i wouldn't have known elvis.. i wouldn't have known boon heng..
If i never ever had a crush on Kimura.. i wouldn't have learned japanese.. i wouldn't have met vincent..
If i had never joined AXA.. i wouldn't have met and made so many wonderful friends..
its so cliche.. haven't you ever noticed.. just one different action/move/decision.. causes a huge chain reaction.. and you may not end up where u are now..

I had fun over the weekend.. boon heng came to my house.. i think he felt really uncomfortable.. he's shy by nature.. even around his friends.. he's always the quiet one at the corner.. listening intently.. drinking his beer.. he was never the boisterous kind.. if he was.. maybe i wouldn't have fallen for him.. I'm not accustomed to dealing with people who are like me... BOisterous and Loud.
My mum told my sis that this guy wouldn't even laugh if you had tickled him.. hahaha.. But.. he is quite farnie sometimes in his quaint sort of way.. we sorta hung out at home.. watching dvd.. i think he particularly enjoyed playing texas hold-em on my apple monitor.. instead of on the iphone.. its really not like this at his own home..
I was busy telling my colleague today.. how different our ways of lives were.. i had everything i wanted... while he had none.. My house had everything that you can ever dream off.. while he had to make do with basic necessities... my colleague looked at me.. and said.. " u sure can adapt... but can he?" can he adapt to your life??
it got me thinking.

Food for thought... i spoke.

here it is.. my first entry of 2010

I was scrolling through facebook while in the train this morning..and i came across my ex's profile.. "In a relationship with" ... oh gawd.. yet another girlfriend.. i think this one is the 3rd one ever since we broke up. But somehow... i felt a lil rush of a funny feeling running down my spine.. wierd.. never had this feeling before.. not even from the girl that was right after me.. this one seemed... let me put it aptly. Very asian and oh so not singaporean.. however.. looked a lil more our age though... To tell u the truth.. she looks like a Taiwanese.. Her name is Summer.. *Snorts*

I carried this feeling with me the whole day.. not being able to place what this feeling was... now i'm drumming my perfectly manicured acrylic nails on my desk.. trying to decipher this odd rush of feeling... hmmmz... can't place it still.

I mean.. i'm very happy with the love of my life now.. i mean i can't complain..he really loves me.. and we've been together for god forbid... 4 years now.. 4 years of bittersweet symphony... i've never been in a relationship with anyone that long before.. and frankly it scares me.. cos seriously.. we know each other so well.. i swear i'll know the moment he's gonna fart.

I mean of cos.. there's this spiteful lil thought i buried deep in the back of my mind that my ex will never be able to find someone as perfect as me.. this hopping from one girl to another seriously puts into question his ability to commit the happily ever after shit that he so readily hangs at the tip of his tongue. grow up boy.. you're 28..

Sometimes.. i asked myself if we could have survived this relationship if that night didn't happen like it did. Sometimes i asked myself if we would have grown out of innocent times and would have led separate lives as a couple.. Sometimes.. i asked myself if i would still love this immature being.. he is afterall.. still the boyfriend that i had loved most..

after 4 years with this one.. yeah sure.. i love him..but not as much as i had the last one.. i'm sorry .. i know if this got to him.. it will hurt him very much.. but i must admit.. i have never really loved this one as much... i know its not fair to him..but i guess i learnt many lessons from failed relationships.. and that got me to where i am now... LOVE??.. that's just another 4 letter word mann!!!

Sometimes.. i would sit and wonder and plan an entire skit on how i would behave if i had bumped into him again.. what will i say.. what will he say.. will i look like i'm better off.. if i had bumped into him with his current beau.. how would i introduce myself.. But seriously... if i really do see him on the streets.. chances are.. i'll probably make a run for it.. in the opposite direction.

So much for starting my first entry of the year..

Food for thought... i guesss...good night!!